2. 💔First setback
Coming back from the State, I hit my first low. I was bloated because of the steroid that the doctors gave me, trying to relieve the swelling nerves after the radiation, hoping that was the reason of my weakening legs.
I have always been a skinny girl, but in less than a month, my weight doubled, my face was taken over by acnes which I seldom had. Sam’s T-shirts were the perfect size for me. My wardrobe turned from size S to XL. Every morning, my eyes became smaller, my vision became blurrier; I couldn’t put on my contact lens, but my glasses was too tight for me.
I was in and out of the hospital or the ER, until my legs totally failed me, then I was stranded in the hospital for 2 months. All kind of tests were done, to see what was wrong with me? There were no answers.
Amid it all, I did my part as diligently as I can-my physiotherapies. Whatever the therapists asked me to do, I did more. My world had crumbled, wherever I went, there were head-to-toe mirrors, and even window reflections, I was forced to look at this flabby, neckless, puffy-faced, and all zits and pimpled “who’s that girl” everyday. I cried my eyes out, nothing in the world would heal me, except food, how ironic! Steroid makes you crave for food! It not only makes you fat, but also gives you edema. I wonder if I ever will be my old self again? I pounded on my stubborn legs will ever move again? My tears ran down my cheeks helplessly everyday while I exercised. My T-shirt was drenched in sweat and tears. My therapists tried to stop me to take a break, but I refused stubbornly, if these were what I had to do to become the person I used to be, I will do them. I will persist on doing them. Nothing and no one could stop me!
I hid myself in my sanctuary. No one knows what I was going through, I refused to see anybody, and I didn’t go out anymore. I was my own prisoner. Sam was my only friend, my only shoulder, needless to say, my world. I knew I was safe with him. He pampered me the way he always had, even though I was all torn-up with stitches, bruises and, over-stuffed. This is not the girl who he married to.
I felt, guilty.
This was in the private hospital in Linkou, before I met Dr. Huang.
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